Today's post starts with a story. My first job after college was working as an executive recruiter in the technology industry. During this time I shared an office with a talented female recruiter who I'll call Aubry. (Not her real name.) One day, our boss, a blindingly talented man who occasionally drove us nuts, said something that frustrated Aubry. She shot him this frustrated look and blurted out not our boss's name, but instead: "Dad!"
Of course when she realized her mistake she was a little embarrassed. But I mention this story not to embarrass an old friend (I've seen others do this exact same thing) but to point out that the way we relate to people at work is often unconsciously driven by the way we related to our parents when we were children.
It's not as strange as it sounds. Most of us grow up in an environment where we are subordinate to the authority of our parents. How we related to that authority, and how our parents related to us, has a great deal to do with our unconscious responses to authority in the workplace. It can show up most startlingly when it comes to conflict. Think back. Did your parents argue openly with each other in front of you, or did they always keep a calm demeanor? This may influence how you feel when you witness arguments at work. (To some, arguing is good debate. To others, it is the coming of an apocalypse.) To put it even more bluntly, if your Dad always raised his voice before he smacked you, your boss raising his voice may bring all those feelings back - albeit subconsciously. The patterns from our past can give us clues to the responses we have today.
Why even analyze these things? To better understand ourselves, our patterns, and why we behave the ways we do. Once we know *why* we respond a certain way to authority, we can then make a conscious choice to keep responding that way or not. Self-understanding leads to choices. Choices give us power over our own lives. I don't know about you, but I think power over my own life is a decidedly positive thing.
This post is a personal one for me, because in my career I found myself very influenced by my family of origin. In my family of origin, the consequences for "talking back" or "questioning the authority figure" were swift and severe. This was doubly true if you were a female. Flying under the radar was a good way to stay out of trouble. So what happened when I began working for a strong leader with a highly directive style? I went passive. I was fearful to make suggestions for improvement, and I felt oppressed. I blamed the leader (internally at least) for being closed to feedback.
Eventually, I realized that the issues I had with that leader were as much my own as they were anything else. My boss was not my Dad and I was a grown woman, but having those "old" feelings evoked in me at work was a problem. Not only did they hamper my confidence, they made me less effective in my job and made me rather miserable at the same time.
To make this even more complicated, everyone you work with is also influenced by their own families. We are all like walking conglomerations of history and emotion, each of us subject in some way to the patterns of our past. While this adds to the complexity of psychology at work, it can also give us some compassion for our peers. We all come to life with a certain amount of baggage, both positive and negative. Most of us don't even realize we carry it.
Some time, over a cup of tea or a glass of wine, take a few moments to think about your relationship to authority in your family of origin. Think about your parents and siblings. What happened when you spoke up? Were you rewarded? Punished? Ignored? How did your family react to conflict? Once you've opened your baggage and checked it out, feel free to throw out any of the items that no longer serve you.
Then go back to your life with a few more choices in hand!
PS: If the things you find in your past disturb you, or if you feel like you are being limited by those experiences, consider hiring a licensed therapist to help you talk through it. Talking to a therapist does not mean you are weak, crazy, or incapable. It can be a great way to improve your quality of life and your work. It never hurts to check it out.
Reference: This post was influenced by the wonderful teaching I received from Patricia Vivian, M.A. at Antioch University Seattle.
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