Leadership and the Division of Self

Today I'm going to write a bit about a subject that I'm still exploring myself.   I think this is an issue that most of us have had to deal with one time or another, but I also believe it's one of those things that we don't talk about in the workplace. A silent monster lurking beneath every desk and inside every leader's heart.

I'll start with a question.  Are you the same person at work that you are at home?  Is the "you" that your employees, co-workers, and bosses know the same "you" that your friends and family would recognize?  Are you free to be fully yourself in the workplace?

I got to thinking about this subject in remembering a couple strong women executives I've known.  One of them stands out in my memory because she was such a study in contrasts.  On the one hand, she had no difficulty firing a vulnerable employee because they'd been in a car accident and it was inconvenient to the organization to wait two weeks for the employee to heal.  On the other hand, she talked about her children with such compassion and tenderness you couldn't help but feel those things right along with her.

So which was the "real person" in this scenario.  The callous career-smasher?  The loving parent?   Or were they both sides of the same coin, two elements of the human persona?

I mention this story not to disrespect the memory of this executive (for she was admirable in many ways) but to point out something that I think afflicts all of us.  From the time of our earliest forays into the world of work, we are taught without words one simple truth:  "At work, there are different "rules" for behavior."

You are expected to adhere to these rules or you will be expelled.  Work is not about compassion or love or sentiment.  Work is about results.  Be prepared to lock part of yourself away while you're at the office.  Save your human tenderness for home.

We watch the news and are shocked at the stories of how a family man can commit terrible corporate crimes while coming home and tucking his kids into bed with love.  We swallow our reservations and fire the young person on our team with no notice because that "is policy" and yet we treat our friends with the greatest respect and consideration.  What causes this division of self?  Is it inevitable?  And (here is the bold question I think) what would the world look like if we were able to go to work and be fully who we are?

I think part of the puzzle is that we've been taught that if we keep the things that make us a good friend, spouse, and parent, (our humanity) at the office,  it will somehow make it impossible for us to do what is required to succeed at work.  I think this is a false teaching.  Why? 

It is possible to fire an employee with the deepest respect for them.  It is possible to give difficult feedback while being compassionate to someone's situation.  It is possible to conduct a layoff with a sense of profound responsibility and love for your organization.  Our humanity doesn't prevent us from acting, it only requires that we consider alternatives, that we act with compassion, and that we share in the responsibility for making tough decisions.

My friends, here is what I think the real danger is.  The longer we "turn off" who we really are to survive at work, the greater the chances that we simply become that "other" person.  The longer we wear that mask of "the emotionless manager", the more we risk losing our humanity.

What could our organizations be like if we could be the same people at work and at home?  Do you think it is worth a try? I think it's a subject at least worth exploring further.      

Comments

[bombaydosti]

This has been something that I have often wondered. To me,this being two different people is also because of the lack of trust that is there in corporate environment. We are ourselves, when we are completely sure that no matter what I am, I will still be loved and wanted. The problem is, we always wait for the other person to take the first step. It is possible to be compassionate at work, and sometimes, the best managers are people who have understood their people best, and that cannot come without compassion.
regards
preethi

[Cheri]

Well said Preethi. I agree it is fear of not being accepted that prevents us from showing up authentically at work much of the time.

I'll never forget my first HR job when I was a teenager. I went in thinking I was a kind of force for truth and justice and fairness - ready to quash inequity wherever it stood.

I lasted about a month before I got "The HR Speech" which was a tactful version of "You may be HR, but you work for us (management) so make sure you remember who is signing your checks."

It was years before I found the courage (and a mentor) who helped me break out of that confining pattern and begin to reassert my values.

Pressure to be accepted is pretty powerful. Especially when it is linked with your livelihood and ability to pay your bills!