Lessons from a Tyrant: Reframing the Value of Difficult People

If I asked you today to write a thank you card to the two or three people who have most significantly influenced your career or professional development, I bet that you'd think back to a beloved mentor or leader who made a difference in your life.  Certainly those people are deserving of our gratitude, but they probably are not the only ones.

As leaders, where are our greatest sources of learning?  For me, one of the biggest sources has been the difficult people I've worked with.  In fact (although this seems contrary) I could even go so far as to say I've learned more from the bad examples in my life than the good ones.

Difficult people provide us with gifts in disguise.  They give us examples of how *not* to behave certainly,  but they also teach us about our own responses to conflict, frustration, and roadblocks.  They force us to measure our words carefully, to choose our battles, and to learn to find areas of common ground with people that we don't agree with.  They teach us that staying true to our integrity and our values can sometimes come at a cost, and they force us to examine if we are willing to pay it.

These gifts can only benefit us if we unwrap them.  It's one thing to have a strong response to a difficult person, and another thing to ask yourself what that response has taught you.  By reflecting on our experiences, we can learn from them.

Writing this post has brought back a lot of memories for me, and I'll share just a few of them here.

I once worked with a woman who drove me "batsh*t crazy" (this is a technical term) on a regular basis.  She expected everyone else to jump at her smallest command but managed to evaporate like rain whenever teamwork was called for.  I couldn't afford to have a poor relationship with this person, and so I taught myself a neat trick that I'll share with you.  I decided that I was going to play a "game" called "Miranda (not her real name) will never have a clue how much I dislike her."   She would be difficult, and I would smile and listen and be as pleasant as I could be.   Then in my office I would smirk a little, because I was winning "the game."   The funny thing was, that after a few months of pretending to like her, I actually did like her more.  She still frustrated me, but my anger had melted away.

I supported a manager once who loved to call me and talk about how "stupid" his employees were.  I think he knew this offended me, but he persisted nonetheless.  Around this same time, I learned about a Buddhist meditation practice called Tonglen which is about expanding your circle of compassion.  After practicing Tonglen and including this manager in the meditation, I found a spark of humanity in him and was no longer offended by his unfortunate behavior - although I still witnessed it.  After letting go of my hard feelings towards him, I was in a better position to provide him with feedback on his communication style.

One time, I supported a leader who intimidated the snot out of me.  This experience taught me a great deal about how leaders can inadvertently squash feedback in organizations, and about the role that courage and respect play in presenting difficult feedback to people in authority positions.  If this leader hadn't been scary and difficult, this lesson would have passed me by.

I don't doubt you have stories like these as well.  If you do, send a bit of mental thanks to all of those difficult people you've worked with in your life.  You may not want to send them a thank you card inscribed "Thanks for being a Jerk - it made me learn and grow!" but gratitude is always appropriate when due.

And remember, if someone is pushing your buttons - you may as well take advantage of the opportunity to learn how you are wired.

Comments

[Tim Wright]

Cheri -

Great thoughts and entertaining. Who'd expect a "professional posting" that had both batsh*t and snot as key elements?!

We learn from both our "good" and our "bad"--whether from associates, managers, employees...or experiences. A salesperson gains equally from both lost sales and won sales.

The secret is putting emotions aside far enough and long enough that we let reason experience learning. You suggest good ways of doing that.

I offer the following. When someone does something "tyrannical," I ask myself: "Do I do that? When was the last time I did that?"

Truly, I was not quick to get to the "point of admission" that, yes, I sometimes am tyrannical myself. It has taken me lots of practice.

The result? Once I see myself in the other's shoes, my emotional reactions go away, my mind returns to filter through to what I can learn.

[bombaydosti]

Cheri, true! Just sharing something similar :)

I have learnt silence from the talkative,
toleration from the intolerant,
and kindness from the unkind;
yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers

Gibran , Khalil

regards
preethi

[Cheri]

Thanks for sharing Preethi - that is lovely. Poetry feeds the heart as well as the mind!