Eight Steps for Workplace Confrontations

One of the challenging things about working in a team environment is that there are times when people behave in ways that we find unproductive, offensive, or hurtful.  When we ignore these feelings the relationship can suffer as our resentment festers.  Yet fear at confronting others can prevent us from taking positive action.  Today's post contains a checklist you can use to determine if a confrontation is appropriate, and if so, how to move forward.

Step One:  Ask yourself if the "problem" is a pattern or simply a one-time issue.  Sometimes we see the people around us behaving poorly in a repetitive way.   Sometimes the behavior is a surprise.  If the situation you wish to confront someone on is a one-time thing, not a pattern, ask yourself if a confrontation is really necessary.  We all have bad days.  Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

Step Two:  If you have determined you want to move ahead, ask yourself what your reasoning is.  Are you confronting the person because your feelings are hurt?  Because you are concerned about them?  Because you are concerned about the customer?  Chances are you may have multiple motivations.  But take the time to get crystal clear about your own motives.  Sometimes we "say" that we are confronting someone because we are worried about the project, or the customer, but it is really about our own feelings.  Step up and own your own motives.

Step Three:  Take a good look at your own assumptions about WHY the person acted the way they did.  You may assume that the person behaved out of line because they were lazy, or didn't pay attention, or were not careful enough.  You may assume they were just clueless.   Whatever you assume, just take that judgment and set it to one side.  Your assumptions and judgments are not going to do anyone any good.  Suspend them.  Be prepared to enter the confrontation without assuming you knew the person's intentions or motives.  Be prepared to offer the benefit of the doubt - at first.

Step Four:  Determine if the confrontation is something you can do solo, or if you need the support of a manager or a trusted advisor.  If you're afraid you're going to flub it - talk it through with another person first.  Make sure that the person you are "talking it through" with is not the person's peer or subordinate. 

Step Five: Figure out what your goal is for the confrontation.  Do you want them to change their behavior?  Fix a problem?  Offer a solution?  Be clear about what you want.  Wanting "to be told that I am right and they are wrong" is not a valid reason to confront someone.

Step Six:   Script it out.  Before you have the conversation, make a few notes about what words you plan to use.  I recommend the following format.

NAME, I have something I want to talk to you about.

1) This is what I observed.

2) This is how it made me feel.

3) This is the outcome I would like.

4) What do you think?

For example: A coworker who has been not taking on a fair share of the work in a team.

"Janet, I have something I want to talk to you about.  I've noticed that over the last few weeks that I've been processing thirty accounts per day and you've been processing about ten.  I'm feeling a little stressed and overworked, and I am hoping that we can find a way to balance our work loads more evenly.  Do you have any suggestions?"

Notice, this is a lot better than a typical approach which might be:

"Janet, I'm tired of pulling all the weight around here.  If you're not going to do your fair share then I'm just going to to talk to our boss."

or even avoiding the issue like this:

"Mark, I am so mad at Janet.  She never does her share of the work.  She's always on the phone, and our boss doesn't do anything about it!  Janet is such a slacker?

Step Seven: Plan your timing.  Once you've scripted out your talk, find an appropriate time and place to talk to the person.  A private location during a non-busy time is a good rule of thumb.  Don't ambush someone in the middle of a project deadline or begin the conversation around witnesses. 

Step Eight:  Approach the issue as a "problem we can solve together."  By treating the confrontation as a request for help, you are not jumping to conclusions, putting people on the defensive, or causing harm to the relationship.  Even when you suspect that the problem is due to laziness or bad performance, suspending those inferences can help you move towards resolution.

Eight tips for a successful confrontation.  At first this may seem like a lot of work, but ultimately this kind of communication will build trust and enable issues to be resolved without unnecessary hurt or anger. 

Do you have any tips for confrontations in the office?  Leave a comment and share your wisdom with the rest of us.

Comments

[Joan Schramm]

Cheri --
This is an excellent step-by-step process for handling just about any conflict, whether professional or personal -- especially the part about taking a close, hard look at our own feelings and the reasons we have for wanting to force a confrontation. I'm keeping it bookmarked as a reference, because I get a lot of questions from clients about handling conflict at work and this guide will be helpful as a jumping-off place for a deeper discussion.

In general, I find it's always best to initially assume that the other person in a conflict is not deliberately being mean, selfish, petty, rude, lazy or whatever negative connotation we put on their behavior. Assuming the worst is never a good starting place for resolving the issue.

Thanks for a very helpful blog post.

Joan

[Cheri]

Thanks Joan, and I agree with you that starting by giving people the benefit of the doubt is the best starting place.

Appreciate your comment.

[Raven Young]

Hi Cheri - great list of steps to help anyone handle confrontation in the workplace. I think your first step is the most important - it's easy to let your emotions color your thoughts or form a negative opinion of someone, causing tension which can lead to confrontation. I've had this bookmarked for a while now and am just getting to mentioning your excellent list at my site.

Take care!

[Rita Singh]

Dear freinds,

I am also suffering from the behavier of my co-workers as they dont behave on the fair basis and they dont include me in thier group activity. coz of that I feel so alienated from my colleagues. I am recently promoted as Assistant Manager-HR and got transferred to different department as part of job rotation. But since the time I have entered here I am facing the continous confrontation from my colleagues. I am a Person of soft nature with good looking personality. I always behave in a very nice way to everybody though I have reserved nature. I always meet with people with the smile. I dont know where is my mistake but my coworkers dont behave fair to me. Mean while, situation became too worse that I have started looking for another job. But still I am not able to understand the behavier of staff. I am good performer still my coworkers dont trust me to asseign any work to me. Sometimes it went so worse that I started loose my morale and confidence in myself. Please give me the solution if you have. Coz i want I really want to understant that what went wrong? what is wrong with me and my aproach? please give me the suitable advice on this. waiting for all your response.

[Cheri]

Hi Rita,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I think when we feel mistreated by others, our options are to:
1) Tell others how we feel, and ask them very directly for different treatment.
2) Suffer in silence
3) Leave and find a better place.

Before you decide to leave, you might consider telling your coworkers how their actions impact you. A friend in HR or your manager may be able to help.

Best of luck to you.

Cheri

[pradeep k. ivon]

thanks for a really enlightening piece of advice, i will ensure to always keep it in mind at my office.

[Business Driven Male]

What about the immature people who have this sense of entitlement and attitude like they run the place when they are just on the same level as everyone else? Recently had a situation where a female talked down to me making me extremely angry wanted to beat her face in however I can't and will not do that. 1: I'm a guy, and 2: I'm more mature then that.

What advise if any is there about a self richess bitch who thinks she can talk down to every and anyone the way she wants to as though we are to praise God for blessing us with her presence?

Please tell me there is some advise out there because walking away and calming down will only work so many times and why should I have to go through this stress when I'm the mature responsible respectful to others person.

Thanks...

[Cheri]

I can't guarantee that you' are going to like what I have to say, but here it is: No one can make you this angry without your consent.

In short, her behavior may certainly be out of line, but it's also clear that you are deeply angry, and the words you use to describe her are anything but respectful. (Respectful is more than just how you act, it is also how you think.) "Wanted to beat in her face" is a very strong statement, even if you don't act on your thoughts. Calling her a "b*tch" goes beyond frustration and into contempt. Because I don't know you, I can't tell if this is an isolated incident or if you are frequently angry at this level.

Here is what I would do if I were in your shoes.

1) I'd spend some time focused on getting my own anger under control. (There are a lot of ways to do this, talking to a therapist is one, or you can check out the do-it-yourself anger management toolkit here: http://www.emergenceconsulting.net/shop/Product.aspx?ProductID=28)

2) Once you are able to think about this person without contempt or violent thoughts, the steps in this article should be a good starting place for talking to her about her behavior, and asking her to make some changes. If you are not able to have the conversation alone, perhaps one of your managers can help you walk through it with her.

I do wish you all the best BDM, but I also want you to start taking action in the right place, and this time it's with you, not her.

Take care,

Cheri

[Business Man]

Ok, well obviously my lack of vocabulary has lead you to believe there is something wrong with me but I really wish you could have been there to see the situation. Calling someone a b*tch soely based on their words, actions, attitude, and personality is the only way that she could be described. Because it is coming from a male figure it is almost taking completely out of context and turned into a sexist comment. If you were there and had an opportunity to talk to the other women I work with they would say the same. If someone is not nice they are thought of as being mean, correct? Same concept here. This lady is very rude to everybody constantly acts as though everyone is beneath her and are only here for her to walk on and make her feel better about herself by talking down to everyone.

You may have this situation and myself completely misunderstood. I am not a violent person and respect EVERYONE until they give me a reason not to. She is the complete opposite and respects NO ONE until they are able to give her a reason to even consider the possibility of maybe giving them the time of day.

Words can and will always be misconstruded over the Internet and in e-mail as all of us are completely unique individuals with our own thoughts and interpritatuons.

Saying you want to "beat someones face in" does not mean you will actually do that or that it will ever happen. It's mearly a frustration venting from the reactions that someone has inflicted upon another. If anything needs to be done here is the girl who treats everyone with disrespect and is degrading to EVERYONE, needs to go to some charm school or etiquette training on how to be a grown mature adult who not only can understand how to treat other people but how to be a normal citizen in this world.

The only other comparison I can give you to help explain how this person is would be to watch Jerry Springer, Whiteny Houston, and Bad Girls Club to get a better understanding of who we are dealing with here.

Please understand that I am seeking advise on how to handle someone that is rude, inconsiderate, obnoxious, self-righteous, diva mentality, ghetto queen, who thinks "she runs this place", and that everyone including someone like you (who I respectfully came to for advise) is beneath her and is only here to bother her and/or get in her way.

Before you start asuming that the person mature enough to not be rude and immature to everyone at work and who walked away to not allow further unnecessary anger and arguing to develop and who is intelligent enough to seek advise on how to handle this type of situation before acting on any statements that were truely the result of someone elses negativity and immaturity in the first place, you need to think of this from my perspective and not hers. If that is just not possible then we will leave it at that.

I am a good Christian who goes to church every Sunday with my wife, who is very polite and respectful to everyone I meet. I do on the other hand have a low tolerance for ignorance and uncalled for rudeness to myself and others. Maybe that's where you misunderstand me and feel that it is I who needs the counseling but there I would have to respectfully say that you are wrong.

Do you think that our military should also not fight back for when we are attacked upon and defend our freedoms?

I mean seriously, this question all stemmed from the way that a rude and ignorant person was being disrespectful towards me.

I was polite the entire time and gracefully walked away to let the feelings of anger disapate and try to figure out why I should even have to go through something like this in the first place while in the work place. 

This was just a small incident compared to the number of situations caused by this person who we have all had to meet with upper management about mainly from other situations and they did not even know about my situation with her until they were asking me about a different situation she caused with another female.

This person is the problem and we are mearly looking for ways to handle working with her until someone finds it better to let her go due to all the problems and issues she unnecessarily causes in the work place.

I hope this helps and possibly opens some doors or windows of thought processes in dealing with people and personalities in the work place as you have taken my first statements completely the wrong way.

Thanks for replying but we won't be coming back for any further advise until it is better understood what is actually going on here.

[360 assessments]

In the business world, I feel this topic is usually overlooked. I think you have done a great job breaking down each step thoroughly. If everyone abides by these rules, the workplace should be a very pleasant environment.