When it comes to life and work, do you have a clear sense of your professional boundaries? Do you feel comfortable telling someone when they've crossed a line of what you feel is reasonable? Or do you redefine "acceptable" continually based upon the expectations of others?
Do you do any of the following?
1) Adjust your goals instantly to what others (your boss, spouse) expect of you, with minimal consideration for your own needs or opinions.
2) Continually work more hours than those around you, and even hide how much you are working.
3) Have a serious problem saying "no" to others.
4) Allow others to control you, or to control your work.
5) Attend meetings/events out of a feeling of obligation, even when you have no interest in being there and your presence is not required.
6) Accept treatment from others that you would never dole out to another human being.
If you answered yes to several of these, you may have problems setting healthy boundaries. What are the downsides of this?
1) Overwork and Burnout
2) The risk of being seen as an organizational "Yes Man" with no real authority.
3) The risk of a dis-empowered team, as they find themselves adapting to your inconsistent messages.
4) Disenchantment/Disengagement
5) Erosion in your willingness/ability to make decisions and stick to them.
6) The risk of being "used" by power players in the company for political purposes.
So what can you do if you have boundary issues? Here are a few questions to get you started.
1. Who in my life am I uncomfortable saying "no" to?
2 Is it possible that I may serve my organization/relationships better if I were more comfortable asserting for myself?
3. What am I gaining by always saying "yes" and/or swallowing my own feelings?
4. What am I losing?
5. What might happen if I speak up the next time someone has an unreasonable expectation of me? Is it worth trying?
5. How might I prepare for that conversation?
As usual, this issue isn't an academic one for me. As I'm sorting through these issues, the lifeline that keeps me going is that by setting boundaries as a human being and a consultant, I serve my clients and relationships better. Yes, I am in service by being clear about what is and is not acceptable to me.
Sometimes we worry that by saying no we are violating an agreement. Sometimes we worry that by saying no we will harm a relationship. The answer to these worries? An agreement that says that I have no needs of my own is not a good agreement. A relationship that is based upon me always saying yes is not a good relationship. So instead, I enter into good agreements and good relationships where I'm not a doormat.
If it takes a little planning and a little courage, I suppose that is not too much to ask!
Anything to add?
It's difficult to set boundaries when you're in an easy to exploit status. This is true of immigrant workers on H-1Bs for instance. Work permits tie the employee to one employer, undermining their bargaining position. Now the recession is making this even worse even for citizens. In a dwindling job market can one really afford the luxury of couragous boundary setting?
Posted by: wagdog | November 23, 2008 at 03:07 PM