The Enlightened Manager

Wine, Chocolate, and Revelations of Self

A couple weeks ago, I had this party at my house with fifteen women, several bottles of wine, and lots of chocolate.  We had this great rollicking conversation and laughed for hours, and it was a great night.  If you read this blog you probably know that I can't help but try and link most of my life back to leadership, so I found myself thinking about this group of women and what those relationships mean to me.  And how do I form relationships?  

And I realized something surprising about myself.  Many of the people who have become good friends and confidants in my life are NOT those people with whom I felt an immediate kinship.  I do this thing where I get to know people, and I tend to gravitate towards people that I feel some friction with.  The friction isn't negative, but it might be:

1) Someone I don't fully understand.
2) Someone who pushes some of my pet peeves.
3) Someone who intimidates me a little.
4) Someone with very different spiritual/political views than mine.
5) Someone who evokes my curiosity.
6) Someone who is bold, brash, or opinionated.

In fact, I would say that my "friends with some friction" outnumber those without by two to one!  (Yes, I am already imagining getting in trouble over this post when my friends read it!)

And it got me thinking of the way that so much of my life has involved diving into situations with conflict or tension.  I decided to work in HR, and now with dysfunctional teams.  I seem to have this acceptance of tension, and a need to be involved in it in some helpful way.

So this seems to be part of who I am.  I don't think it's a bad thing, but it's worth thinking about.  And I probably wouldn't have realized it if I hadn't thought about how I choose my friends, and what it says about me.

So Enlightened Leaders, how do you choose your friends?  Do you see any patterns that reveal more of who you are?

Food for thought.   (Now go have some chocolate.)

Thinking Outside the Box - Ideas from across the Cultural Divide

I had an interesting chat today with a young woman who recently moved to the U.S from China.  I asked her the question that always burns in mind when I think about that country - did she notice any difference between here and there when it comes to so-called free speech?

Her answer was instructive, but not for the reason I thought it would be.  She said that yes, she has access to more information here, especially online.  You can do the same web search in our two nations and get very different results.  The results in China sounded more polite - no references to the ugly side of world affairs.  Not self protection, but protection from a whole range of bad news.

So I asked her if it bothered her that she had been "protected" from this data back home.  She said no, but that when she does go back, she'll no longer accept the mainstream news as "the truth."  She now knows there is more to the world than what shows up in her home country's media.

So this whole conversation reminded me of how limited we are by our own point of view.  We experience the world being a certain way, and so we assume that our experiences are the truth.  We don't question these assumptions, they just become an accepted part of our inner world, but one that distorts our view, like a mirror of rippled glass.  But we can't see the ripples.

If we wanted to live a life without assumptions, we'd have to completely rewire the human mind so it didn't make assumptions.  And yet our ability to quickly adapt to patterns in our environment is why (I suspect) we are so successful as a species.  Living a life without assumptions probably isn't possible, and a person who could do so might be considered insane.

But like my new friend who sees the world a little differently today, I wonder what I'm missing out on seeing through the eyes of my own little world.  What faulty assumptions do I live by?

I suppose that is the ultimate question when it comes to lifelong learning.  We spend our youth accumulating beliefs, and as adults we gradually shed them with much pain and joy, leading to that old saying "the older I get, the less I know."

When business people talk about this phenomenon, they call it a paradigm shift or learning to think "outside the box."  The neat thing is that "the box" is a construct of our own thinking.  We live in these self imposed walls of beliefs and assumptions.  And yet many of them serve us so well, we wouldn't want to lose them.

So can you engineer a paradigm shift, or radical leaps in personal growth?  I think so.  Here are some of my hunches on how to do it.

1) Be highly skeptical of your assumptions about others and the world - question them.
2) Put yourself in as many foreign environments as you can.  (Not just cultures, but foreign ideas, disciplines, and areas of study.)
3) Get confused.  Get lost in what perplexes you.  
4) Make friends who are unlike you. 

Not terribly scientific, and not a process you can control in detail, I think.  But shifting paradigms is messy work.  Work worth doing though, I think.

This is probably overly heavy stuff for a Friday, eh?  Enough said.  If this is your weekend coming up - enjoy it!

"You need to respect my authority." Thoughts on reaping and sowing.

Friends,

Can you tell Spring is here?  In Seattle, it means that the weather has been warmer but the rain seems to go on forever.  As a native to this area, it's a comforting kind of weather.  It reminds me of the long car rides in the back seat of my parents car, watching rain snake down the glass, and weekend mornings spent with a hot cup of tea and a book, lost in another world.  A soothing kind of weather.

The theme of Spring is growth, and it's a subject that's been on my mind this week as I've been out interviewing a couple new teams that I've been hired to help.  There are a lot of things in a team that need to grow as well, but too often we think we can demand them.  I'm thinking specifically about respect and trust.

"My employees need to respect my authority."
"They need to know that I'm the boss."
"My coworkers need to respect my position."
"My boss needs to respect my knowledge."

It reminds me of back when I was in HR and I'd get those phone calls.  "Cheri, my team needs to know I'm the boss.  Will you tell them?"  The callers didn't seem to realize that if you need a stranger to tell your team that "he's the boss" the battle has already been lost.

We all crave respect I think.  Some of us crave authority or power.  These are natural human desires most of the time.

So what does respect have to do with Springtime?  Not everyone loves the rain as much as I do, but most sane people know that rain creates the right environment for the flowers of summer and the crops of autumn.  We understand that we can't get the things we want without the right conditions.

Respect is like that.  You need to prepare fertile ground for it, create those right conditions.  Do you keep your promises at work?  Do you offer respect and trust to others?  Do you listen as much as you talk?  Do you communicate honestly, even when it is uncomfortable in the short term?

So my work with these teams is to go back to that hunger for respect and gently teach them how to prepare the conditions where respect can grow.  We can't snatch at the respect of others greedily, nor can we force it.   Fear we can force.  But fear and respect are different things, as I hope the tyrants of our world will eventually learn.

I like to think that my words and training manuals and flipchart markers are akin to the shovels and plows that farmers use.  Teaching others how to plant and grow respect in each other.

I love the seasons.  They reminds me that there is a lot we can learn from the world if we just pay attention.

So now I'm off to pay attention!  Back to work.

Finding the Joy in Work

Hello Enlightened Leaders.

I write to you tonight (Sunday) from my living room.  There is a cup of hot British tea next to my feet, carelessly propped up on my coffee table.  It is pitch black outside the windows, and the lamp behind me is casting shadows on the floor where one of my tabby cats is napping.  It's been a nice couple days.  I spent most of this weekend laughing and swapping stories with a group of girlfriends while my hubby went camping.  He's home now, asleep, and I've just spent the last hour writing.  Don't you just love it when the words just flow from your fingertips?

I've been thinking tonight about this old saying that my Dad used to bring up now and again.  "Do the work you love and you'll never work a day in your life."  This is partially true.  I do love my work, but that doesn't change the fact that some days feel tedious.  And even when I worked a job I hated, there were always the positive aspects of it.

So I think that there is always the potential for joy in work and life.  When we ask ourselves "what makes me happy here?" or "what are the most joyful parts of this?" we are giving ourselves permission to pay attention to the things that lift us up.

We all know there are going to be crappy days right?  It's a given.  But we don't need to focus on them, and give them more power than they deserve.

So I've been trying to apply this principle of joyfulness to my life, and so far it's created some real surprises for me.

I've been 35 pounds overweight for some time now, but looking at exercise as a "chore" or a "should do" has put me on a roller coaster of weight fluctuations.  So I've begun asking myself what joy I can find in taking care of myself, and I have found some workouts that make me happy, and for the first time exercise feels like anything *but* a chore.  Focusing on the scale has brought me nothing but stress, but focusing on fun has helped me exercise consistently. 

I've been trying to write a book for years, and suddenly I've found myself more productive than ever.  I've stopped worrying about word counts and deadlines.  Now I'm finding several new outlets for my writing, focusing on "what I'm excited to share"  rather than creating this arbitrary outcome - a book.  Who knows?  Perhaps a book or two will come out of it.  But I'm no longer forcing it.  And I'm writing more.

I'm one of those type A overachiever people.  Are you?  I think what I'm discovering is that taking my dreams and turning them into a kind of mountain to climb can sometimes be unproductive.  Some things work best as a kind of inspired play.  Find the fun, and see things change for the better.

So what is the joy in your work and life?  I hope you'll take some time to discover it.  And let me know how it works out for you.

Enjoy your day! :)

Forcing Someone to Change

You may have heard the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."  We do live in a world governed by individual choice, but that can be difficult to accept sometimes.  And in looking at my life lately, I feel like this is one of those life lessons the universe is trying to ram into my skull.  You can't force others to choose - even when you know with absolute certainty what choice is best.  But while you can't force it, you can be a positive influence.

I know that I can't force a leader to see what part he is playing in the unhealthy dynamics of his team - I can only share what I see and offer my support and respect.

I know that I can't force a dear friend in an unhealthy relationship to remove herself from danger - I can only share what I see and offer my support and respect.

I know that I can't force estranged family members to reconcile, I can only be constant in my love and caring of both "sides."

I know that I can't force a team to be open to learning, I can only set up the conditions where that openness might emerge.

I know that I can't force someone to accept feedback from me, I can only offer it in a supportive and gentle way, making that acceptance a bit easier.

These are hard lessons, even when I know the "rules."  So as this week comes to a close I will go back to that old bit of advice which says "grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to know the difference."

And with that thought, I wish you a wonderful weekend and a great Friday.

The Downsides of Complaining about your Boss

Today I'd like to write about a dynamic that I've seen quite a bit over the years.  I'll be working with a team, and every person in that team will tell me what a villain a certain member of management is.  Typically this person is high up in the organization, not a direct manager to the people I'm speaking with.

"Our VP is a Micromanager."   "Our Execs fight a lot."  "You can't trust our CFO."

Keep in mind it is usually non-management staff that tell me these things.  I begin to wonder how they know.  Then I realize, it is usually because their manager is telling them these things.  And remember, there are a lot of ways you can say "I don't trust our CFO" without letting those words cross your lips.  Subtle criticisms add up.

One of the best managers I've worked with was a director who worked for a very difficult executive, and never said a cross word about that person.  His staff were completely oblivious as to what a raging jerk his boss could be.  And you know what, that is the way it should be!  As leaders we can erode confidence and trust when we bad mouth company leadership.   Even when we think our criticisms are true, they are not always helpful to share.  So this strong manager I knew kept his team's morale high by never sharing how difficult it was to work with his boss.  He knew that venting would do no good, and might cause harm.

Keep your feedback in context.  If your exec is a micromanager, tell him or her.  If you can't do so, then telling your team isn't going to fix the problem.  Sometimes in our honesty or our frustration we expose the weaknesses of those above us, but don't realize that there is little help to our teams in doing so.

You don't need to lie or cover what is obvious.  What you can do is simply keep your frustrations from poisoning your team, and do your best to manage in that difficult place between a toxic boss and your team.  Or even better, talk to your leader about what you see, and do it respectfully.

No, it's not easy.  But every time I hear a team all echoing the party line about the "big bad exec" without any first hand knowledge, I think about the manager who shared that burden with people who can't be helped by carrying it.

Sometimes, mouth shut is the best thing you can do for your team.  It's not easy.  I know that I've made this mistake myself in the past.  Those of us (like me!) who love to trumpet the "truth" need to remember that truth can be a sword, and not always in the service of others.

It's something I'll be thinking about this week.

Meetings and Email Don't Mix

I recently spoke to an organization about doing some work with them, and it was shared with me that getting the CEO to turn off his laptop during our team meetings would be a hurdle.  He likes to multitask, I was told.  He can do two things at once, I was told.

I know, it's hard to put your cell phone or laptop away during meetings.  I too have been tempted to take a peek at my email when my attention slips.  After all, we are all so busy, right?

Here is the bad news.  Whenever you attend a meeting and you don't make eye contact, you are sending a clear message that you don't find the other people very important.  When you work on two things at once, they each get only half the attention, or even less.

Could we rework the norms of organizational life to say that it's perfectly respectful to write email when you're in a staff meeting?  I suppose we could all band together and try.  But I think that misses the larger point - are you being present?  Is there any value to paying attention to the faces and voices in the room?

Our society is increasingly connected.  I believe this is a good thing.  But it is getting a little crazy, isn't it?  I was at a retreat recently when one participant was pouring his heart out in an authentic and vulnerable way and you could look around the room and see people text messaging. I'm not kidding! 

The hidden messages in multitasking:

- You are not that important.
- This meeting is not that important.
- I will pay attention only to the bits that interest me most.
- I am so important that my communications can't be interrupted.
- I am here to get what I need, not to forge any relationship between us.
- Be prepared to be "bumped" by something more interesting.

Perhaps I'm a relic - caught in the snag of norms that change as generations come and go.  But I can't help but feel that presence is an important aspect of leadership.  I think to be fully present, we need to take our amazing devices and put them away when we're in meetings.

Or else we risk that our desire to connect unplugs us from the people right across the table.

I welcome your thoughts!

Embracing Skepticism as a Virtue

I was wrapping up a team development project today, and one of the participants gave me a postcard that says "Skepticism is a Virtue" on it. (We had talked briefly about the value of skepticism.) It  was a sweet gesture from a great person, and it really crystallized something that has been running through my mind for a while now.  Skepticism really is a virtue, particularly when we're talking about organizational life.

When we welcome skepticism as a valid human reaction, we're saying that we accept that people may come to a change process or a teambuilding with concerns.  After all, aren't concerns a rational thing to have?  We've all been a part of crummy work experiences.  Why should we expect that people throw those experiences aside and come to our process waving the pom poms of unconditional enthusiasm?  Are we really that egotistical?

I choose to welcome the skeptics with a whole heart, and ask that they bear with me while we give the process a try.  Everyone will make their own decisions in time as to what is valid and what isn't anyway.  And when people walk up to me and say "I thought this would be lame, but it was great." or "You made a believer out of me." it really warms my heart.  But I know I have to earn it. And yet plenty of leaders I've known view skepticism as a kind of insult to the process.  But reasonable reactions, delivered honestly, should never be an insult.

It's just truth.  Wouldn't you rather have truth? 

So I'm going to frame that postcard and hang it on my wall this weekend to remind me of this.  And when I look at it, I'm going to smile and think of the fantastic skeptics who added so much candor to that project.

Wherever you are today, leaders, I hope you're smiling too.

The Power of Story - Using Storytelling to Heal and Strengthen Teams

Today's post is a story about a recent consulting engagement that reminded me of the power of appreciative inquiry. 

Appreciative Inquiry is a consulting methodology or philosophy which states that powerful change can arise from a focus on what is already working well in organizations.  Rather than the old problem solving approach of fixing what is broken, AI tells us to focus on what is strongest, and then translate those strengths into action.  Strengths oriented team development often borrows from Appreciative Inquiry.  And AI is bound up with the art of storytelling.  We tell stories of success, and we learn from them.

So today I wanted to tell a story about a team that I worked with recently.  The context was rather ordinary - a team of healthcare professionals who wanted to strengthen their customer service abilities.  The details however, were anything but ordinary.  Here is what happened:

I was on my way to deliver one of the training sessions when I got a phone call from one of the managers.  He called to tell me that one of the leaders of this team was recently diagnosed with a terrible illness.  The team was shocked and devastated by the news.  "I wanted you to know what is happening, in case it comes up today." the manager said. 

When I arrived, the team was quiet.  As a facilitator, it is hard to say how such an event will impact the learning.  Clearly, it's hard to focus on service when someone you care about is in danger.  What would happen next?

The team broke into pairs for a storytelling exercise that I had planned.  I provided each pair with an interview template, and they interviewed each other to uncover stories about how they made a difference through customer service.

Would it surprise you to hear that the whole feel of the session changed?  That people smiled and shared and broke out into laughter?  I usually get a positive response when doing appreciative interviews, but the strength of the response surprised me a little.  We had a great session and ended with some outstanding action steps.

I was driving home that day, when an idea struck me.  When someone you care about is very sick, you feel powerless.  And in asking this team to share stories of how they made a difference through excellent service in healthcare, they were reminded that YES they can make a difference for people. In service to others, there is hope. 

So yes we learned about customer service that day.  But I think that something a little extra happened too.  Such is the power of storytelling in the workplace.  Stories are not just examples.   They can give us hope, courage, and the will to move on.  Why else has storytelling been such an integral part of human civilization since the beginning? Our stories have power.

More and more, I'm incorporating storytelling into my employee development programs.  Sometimes a dysfunctional team needs to look at themselves in the mirror and describe the story of the "way things are" so that they can begin to rewrite reality.  Sometimes a story about our past successes can give us clues to a better future.

And sometimes, you have a team that has a heavy heart.  Apparently story has the power to help people get through that day.   I think that may be the greatest gift of all.

Leadership Tip: When an Employee is not Performing

What do you do when an employee "doesn't get it"? Check out our video tip for answers.