The Business Benefits of "Loving Thy Enemy."

Our beliefs drive our behavior.  Our behavior drives our effectiveness.  Our effectiveness influences our success in work, the quality of relationships we have, and even our ability to earn a living. 

So if you want to change your life, it makes sense to start by examining your beliefs.   Beliefs are powerful.  Sometimes we need to take an old belief and dust it off, re-examine it, and decide if it needs a change.

In my coaching work, I've run up a conversation that goes like this with many different clients:

"So, I need to learn how to manipulate them so that they feel good about doing what I want them to do."

It isn't always stated that plainly, but for many people, getting others to change what they do is manipulation.  "Being tactful" sounds like way of making people feel good about being manipulated. 

What a horrible way to think about the world!  Here is where I think it comes from:

Sometimes we believe that we are right, and that other people are too stupid to see that we are right.   Sometimes we believe that we are better than others.  When we try to change someone from a position of mental superiority, it feels like manipulation.  "I am right, they are wrong.  They must admit I am right."

What is the alternative?  To empathize with and care about the people you disagree with.  To view them as a person with good intentions who just happens to see the world differently.  Then you can approach them without manipulation.   When you care about someone, you come to them because you want to HELP, not because you want to "get something" out of them.

"I am right and they are wrong." turns into "We see it differently, but it's worth talking about because I respect them and I want to help."

Approaching people (even our enemies!) with a perspective of helpfulness and service is far more empowering than approaching someone feeling superior or manipulative. 

To be of service to those we disagree with, we must start by accepting that others generally have good intentions, and that they probably believe they are doing the right thing.  If you can accept this, you can build respectful relationships even in an atmosphere of conflict.  Those relationships are the platforms upon which problems can be solved.

When you have an "enemy" at work, get to know them.  See them as a human being.  Look for areas where you do agree.  Respect and honor them.  Over time, what begins as hostility can ripen into a deep professional friendship - one where differences become a source of learning instead of acrimony.

Why manipulate an adversary when you can help out a friend?

It sounds fluffy perhaps, but I've seen it work wonders in my own life, and in the lives of my clients.  Try it.  I'd love to hear how you're putting this principle to work and what the results are.

Comments

[Sarah Murphy-Kangas]

I love this, Cheri. I facilitated a very intense meeting last night--lots of anger and tears and misunderstanding. At one point, one woman walked out, and I thought we'd lost her for the night. She came back in, though, and said at the end of the night that she wanted to learn how to forgive. It was amazing for the whole group, and a powerful example of what can happen when we decide to give people we disagree with a chance.

Love your blog.