The Enlightened Manager

The Dynamics of Family-Run Organizations

Is your business "in the family"?

It probably isn't a surprise to most of you that when a business is "in the family" that those relationships can wreak havoc professionally.  In Seattle we're seeing a case of that right now, with a local nonprofit organization.  The two founders divorced, and the nonprofit got dragged into the court battle over assets, and a recent article has a long list of comments from people on "both sides" of the dispute, tearing the company's reputation down as bickering gets personal in the public square.  I've watched this unfold with interest, and as a consultant I find myself shaking my head as gasoline is poured on the fire.  As a donor I find myself repelled.  It's a very damaging situation.

I've heard other stories about employees feeling powerless when the owner's son or daughter is bullying or inappropriate.  After all, when it's the boss's kid running the department, who do you go to?

I've also heard about companies where rivalries in the family unit are exploited to further personal agendas, and alliances are formed.

What a mess.  There is good news though, there are plenty of family owned businesses that operate quite well.  There is nothing inherently bad about a family business, in fact, it can be a strength when the relationships are managed appropriately.  A few pointers:

Dos and Don'ts for Leaders in Family Run Businesses

DO draw a line between when you are the boss and when you are the dad/mom/sister/brother.   "When we're at the office, we have a boss/employee relationship, when we're at home, we have a parent/child relationship."  You might consider having your kids call you by your given name at work, rather than "Mom" or "Dad."

DO NOT treat family employees different than non-family employees at work.  Giving feedback, getting performance reviews, choosing for promotions, managing bad performance, standards for attendance and so on should be the same for everyone.  Don't break trust by having two sets of standards.

DO select a trusted confidant who has full permission to tell you when you've crossed a line.  You need someone who can pull you aside when family "stuff" is impinging in the work place.  You can't always see it if you are part of the family, so you need someone to hold you in check.  Be clear you want that feedback.

DO NOT talk about family business at work, or work business at home.  For one, this will make non-family employees feel excluded from information.  Secondly, it will further blur the lines between your two roles.

DO put in place a succession plan.  If you have an "heir apparent" you'll want them to have a solid mentor or coach in addition to your guidance.  Remember, as family members you are likely to have similar patterns in communication and behavior, so you'll want an outside perspective.  Many "heirs apparent" end up not working out.  Have contingency plans.

DO NOT expect people to approach you candidly about concerns they have about your family members.  Typically they will not.  You may need to use tools like an anonymous satisfaction survey or 360 reviews to gather data when people are afraid to offend you.

DO surround yourself with a well balanced group of advisors.  Avoid the temptation to "circle the wagons" and become insular.  A strong CFO or controller and an independent HR advisor would be a good start.

Ultimately, the problems in family owned businesses come from three main sources:

1) Dynamics from the family unit transferring into the work unit. (triangulation, resentment, power struggles, etc)
2) A lack of feedback and accountability because it's assumed that family is untouchable, creating a power imbalance.
3) An unwillingness to address these issues out of loyalty to family ties.

I know from experience that it is possible to create a harmonious work relationship from a family relationship.  It is however, tricky.  If you get it wrong, it can be very difficult for you, and even more difficult for non-family employees.

Audacity! A Story about going from Shyness to Confidence.

Here is a true story about business and life.

Back when I was in my early twenties, just out of college and working as a headhunter, I was this shy young woman learning how to operate in a sales environment.  Cold calling both terrified and thrilled me, and I really struggled with it.  My parents had raised me not to be a nuisance, and cold calling is a pretty bold thing to do.  I was at war with myself.

My boss used to bring us all to restaurants and demand that we send the salsa back because it wasn't chunky enough.  (No joke!)  At the time this felt like torture, but I can see now that he was trying to teach us how to push our boundaries.  I lacked assertiveness, and this is a real problem for a salesperson.

One day I called an engineering department expecting to find a software engineer on the phone.  To my surprise, I had accidentally reached the company's top engineer, a well known leader who I never would have dared approach on my own.  My heart skipped a beat, but I replied candidly to his "hello" that I was a headhunter and that I was calling him about a few unique job opportunities.  He laughed, told me I had a lot of audacity, and sent me his resume.  I was surprised and pleased, and I made my boss happy that day.

I had a sense of what the word "Audacity" meant, but I printed out the definition anyway.  It reads (from answers.com):

1. Fearless daring; intrepidity.
2. Bold or insolent heedlessness of restraints, as of those imposed by prudence, propriety, or convention.
3. An act or instance of intrepidity or insolent heedlessness: warned the students than any audacities committed during the graduation ceremony would be punished.

I printed this definition out and left it on my desk, reading it almost daily for years.  I challenged myself to put my fear aside and embrace my inner audacity.  I felt audacious.  I felt good.  And I learned to enjoy "fearless daring."  Instead of worrying about being hung up on by angry engineers, I focused on enjoying the thrill from being bold.  And I got less fearful and more confident in my work.

I think it helped me to reframe my fear into something more positive.  Being a "cold-caller" intimidated me.  Being "fearless and daring" made me feel exhilarated.  Language did make a difference.

So that is how I learned to embrace my audacity. You might choose a different word, but I hope you won't hesitate to be a little fearless and daring.  I never would have become a consultant and business owner if I hadn't learned to be audacious, so who knows what kind of future you might unlock?

Be Audacious!

Truth and Lies at Work: Do the Ends Justify the Means?

I had an interesting experience the other day.  I was sitting with a group of colleagues, people I admire and like, and we were talking about an ethical quandary.  When an organization is working in a system that they believe to be unfair, it is OK for them to lie a little to balance the scales?

I think we've all probably seen unfair systems before.  When honest people can't get ahead, is it OK for them to fudge the truth a little?  After all, they only get penalized for their honesty.  A small lie is excusable in these cases, don't you think? 

I guess I don't agree.  After all, the world is an inherently unfair place.  If we view unfairness as a valid excuse to cheat, where do we draw the line?  I don't think we can.  

The thing that surprised me was that I seemed to be the only one at the table who felt opposed to this kind of dishonesty.  Everyone else seemed to feel that the ends justified the means when dealing with an unfair system.  After all, when someone is unfairly oppressed, they might need to lie to make things work.

This left me feeling odd, and a little sad. Is this the world I operate in?  Really?  And yet I've seen all these examples of integrity this last month.  A business owner who chose to separate herself from a lucrative contract with partner turned unethical.  A leader who chose to speak up at personal risk when his organization was headed in the wrong direction.  So I see all these examples of integrity in action.  But I also see a world where the end often justifies the means.

This is the same argument we see in our political system, when people describe torture as saving lives.  The terrorists don't play by the rules, so neither can we.  The ends justify the means.

I suppose it's just one more layer in that fabric of human behavior.  Sometimes we use one injustice as an excuse for another.  I have hope we can do better than that.  I do believe it's possible.

The Company You Keep: What your choice of friends says about you.

You've probably heard the old saying that you will be judged by the company you keep.  It comes from the idea that a person can be defined to a degree by the kinds of people that surround them.  And while it may seem a bit harsh on the surface, it has some validity.

Show me a person whose best friends are liars, and I'll be looking at someone who either tolerates dishonesty or is unable to recognize it.

Show me a person who surrounds himself with creative thinkers and I'll be looking at someone who is open to new ideas.

So you can probably see my next question coming, Enlightened leaders.  Who do you surround yourself with, and what does that say about you?

It would be wrong I think to judge someone harshly based upon a couple of their relationships.  We all have relationships with people who hold traits we don't admire, sometimes at work and sometimes in our family lives.  We are capable of loving and respecting those whom we don't agree with.

But do be sensitive to the patterns you are creating.  If you hang with a crowd at work that likes to spread rumors and negativity, it will be hard for you to separate yourself from that behavior to advance yourself.

There is that old saying that you don't want to be the smartest person in the room.  There is a grain of truth in that.  Surround yourself with good people, and try to be a good person in their lives too.  Your network of relationships can elevate you or sink you.

So don't be too quick to throw a valued friendship away.  But I also hope you'll spend some time thinking about the patterns of relationships in your life.  What kind of people attract you? (I'm not talking about romance.)  Do you find yourself drawn to people you admire?

The Things that Matter: Thoughts on Success

Enlightened Managers - how do you define success?

It is a fat paycheck?  Lots of free time?  The acclaim of your peers?  A fancy title?  A corner office?

It is probably fair to say that most people share the same cravings, for security, respect, love, and contentment. (Not to mention an ability to pay the bills, then some.)  But we hang all of these fancy expectations on ourselves, and we like to keep resetting the bar so success is just out of reach.  Sometimes the climb feels more important than the summit. 

I have a different way of measuring success, and it feels right.  I ask myself: are my clients productive, empowered, and reaching their goals?  For me, that is the measure that matters. 

And I've got all this good news!

1. So I congratulate my client L.B. on her big promotion this month.  You're going to be a star!
2. And I congratulate my client S.L. on knocking her executive's socks off with the way she's turned her department around.  Your leadership is making a difference!
3. And I congratulate my client S.M. on his new degree, and the way he's building bridges of trust in his team.  Awesome stuff.
4. And I congratulate my clients K.S. M.V. T.C-N. and K.S. on the way they've increased trust and service excellence in their departments.
5. And I congratulate my client Wing It Productionson their recent win of the Extreme Office Makeover, and their recent Public Relations explosion.  You deserve it!
6. And I cheer for my client S.P. for being an example of a company that "walks the talk' when it comes to supporting employees and the environment.

It feels good to witness this.  It also makes me feel like I've made good choices in being selective about my clients.  I choose leaders and teams who are serious about doing the work of organizational improvement, and they see that effort paying off.  It is truly a delight to see them making magic.

I also find myself reminded that it's good to look at success from a well rounded perspective.  When you consider your own level of success, how are your customers doing?  Are they thriving?

Something to think about....

Are you Trusted? Find out Today

Stephen Covey's organization is offering a free web tool that you can use to assess how trusted you are.  You send out an invite to a group of people, and the tool tabulates anonymous results and gives you a report.

Check it out!

For background on building trust, you can read my article on the subject or sign up to receive a free accountability toolkit on my resource page.

Should I get an MBA? Advice for leaders going back to school.

How much education is enough?  And should I pursue education for the learning, or to become more promotable?  Is it worth the money?  These are some of the questions my coaching clients are struggling with.  As working professionals, most of us pursue education at night, at a high cost to our personal lives.  Not only can the financial costs be high, but the time and energy needed can detract from our families and interests.

Begin by looking at the two main reasons to pursue more schooling:

1) Get schooling to learn.   This one may seem obvious, but it's not always the primary motivation.  When you look at the "bread and butter" classes of an MBA, they are not always enticing.  Even if you love part of it (Finance) you may hate another part (Marketing).  If you can find a subject you're passionate about learning about, all the better.

2) Get schooling to advance.  This was my initial motivation to go to grad school.  At the time I had planned to get an MBA to be competitive for an HR Director job. Increasingly, managers and leaders are being pressured to seek degrees to simply remain competitive, or to be promotable.

Let me start by saying that either one of these reasons is fine.  But if you can find an intersection where they both meet, you'll be happier.  Try and hold out for both.

A Checklist for Leaders who are Potential Students:

1) What do I want? - A promotion?  More expertise?  A new career?  Letters after your name?  Be clear about what you want.

2) Will I get a financial return? - Spending 50K on a degree to earn an extra 10K per year may be worth it.  Spending 50K to make a lateral move may require more thinking.  You are not required to get a financial return on your education, but at least be self-aware about it.

3) How will this impact my life? - A rule of thumb is to plan for 2 hours of homework for every one hour in class.  I had to drop a volunteer job when I went back to school, and I stayed home working while my friends partied and went camping. What will you exchange?  Is it worth it?

4) How do I learn best? - I've taken online classes, live classes, and mixed format classes.  I have also taught these formats as an adjunct professor.  It's my view that purely online formats result in a lower level of learning for most people. (Lower doesn't mean terrible, just simply lower.) There is simply a quality of education that you get by being in a room of learners that you can't replicate by distance learning.  If you're looking at a 100% online program, be aware of the trade-offs. 

5) What kind of schooling interests me?  I mentally group schools into three categories.  "Status Schools"  "Niche Schools" and "Practical Schools." 

Status schools are those ones that are very selective and which give you a sense of prestige by attending.   (Think Harvard, Wharton, and sweater vests.) 

Niche Schools are those which tend to be smaller and a bit quirky, with programs that differ a bit from the norm.  (Antioch Seattle, where I went for my M.A., is one example.) 

Practical Schoolsinclude ordinary state universities and national chains, such as Washington State where I went as an undergrad.  (Go Cougs!)

The type of school you attend doesn't have much to do with your quality of education.  There are great schools and less great schools in all three categories.  If you are not sure what you want, I recommend you check out at least one school from each category.

10 Tips for those Considering College as a Working Adult

1. Take advantage of tuition reimbursement at work, and ask if it isn't currently available.
2. Consider alternatives to the MBA.  I started out looking at MBAs, but ended up being drawn to Organizational Psychology.  Play to your interests, not to what others say you should learn.
3. Go to open houses, but also try to reach out to professors, students, and alumni.  Get multiple views.
4. Check out programs that make you curious or even a bit anxious.  That's a sign you're on to something exciting.
5. Consider the difference between being taught by career professors, and being taught by people who work in the field you want to get into.  Both have advantages.
6. Be prepared for some delightful surprises.  If you do go to school as an adult, you might find yourself re-igniting your passion, making new friends, and changing your life.  Education, done properly, can change your life!
7. Don't feel the need to go to school because you "should."  Make a choice that makes sense for you, both financially and professionally.  Declining schooling may be the right choice for you.
8. Ask for your family's support and talk about what will happen.  I couldn't have made it through my MA program without the support of my hubby, who never complained when I spent weekends locked in my office writing papers.  Who will support you?  You'll need them!

Any other views on going back to school?  Your comments are welcome.

When Your Integrity Won't Allow It

Today's topic is one of those tough ones.  Let's say you have a boss or leader who has asked you to do something.  Let's also say that your inner voice - the one that guides your values and your integrity says "no."  Most of us will face this moment at some point in our careers.  And it's really, really hard.

At the center of this conundrum is the fact that you are seemingly left with two choices.  Say no to your boss and be a "bad employee" and say yes to your boss and be a "bad person."  Neither choice feels acceptable, and so your stomach starts to twist and your heart rate goes up.

Some options for you:

1) Agree to your bosses request without comment - and accept the consequences.
2) Talk to your boss about your concerns, and resolve to go ahead with his or her final decision after that conversation.  (And accept the consequences.)
3) Talk to your boss about your concerns, and resolve to say no to the request no matter what his or her final decision.  (And accept the consequences.)
4) Go over your boss's head on the issue.
5) Begin looking for another job, or a transfer.

In thinking through these options, you can imagine what the outcomes might be for each choice, but I encourage you to think about your problem in three ways.

1) What is the right thing to do?

What does your integrity demand?  Also, what kind of employee do you want to be?  For example, your integrity might say "no" to what your boss is asking, but it might equally say "no" to going over your manager's head.  Think not only about the issue, but your relationship with your manager.

2) Why does my boss ask me to take this action?  What will the impact be?

Sometimes we don't understand why we're being asked to do something, or our assumptions are faulty.  Better to check on it.

3) Why does the request bother me, really?  How serious is the problem?

The request you get might be illegal, unethical, or simply harmful.  If you are being asked to do something illegal, that is one thing.  But what if your boss isn't being unethical, but he's just asking you to execute a short-sighted strategy that will backfire?  All of these things are bad, but it is best to distinguish between illegal, unethical, and stupid.  Sometimes stupid is a matter of opinion.

In conclusion:

Values clashes in the workplace are hard to bear, and there is often no clear cut answer.  The best you can do is to clearly think through your options, do your best to understand your boss's point of view, and be willing to accept the consequences of what you do.

Sometimes the best strategy is the one you build in advance.  Create a relationship with your leader where you are honest and open with each other.  Ask permission to give feedback.  And consider talking to them about your concerns.  Sometimes what feels like a mountain may be a molehill.  Sometimes our leaders need another leader to step up and encourage their conscience.   But it's a matter of risk and choice.

Anything to add to today's post?  Leave a comment and share with your peers around the world!

 

I Failed. Hard Lessons in Conflict Management

It's been an interesting couple weeks in Cheri-land.  You know that old saying that the universe gives you the lessons you need the most?  Well, I've been getting lots of lessoning lately, and it's not exactly been pleasant, but sometimes that is the way life goes. Live and learn I suppose.

One of the things that I've been struggling with is how to respond when you're in a group undergoing conflict.  It's one thing when you're the boss or the consultant, in those situations your role is clearer and you can obtain a "contract to act", so you have permission to intervene.   But what happens when you are just one peer among many?  What happens when there is no "group leader?"  It gets complicated. 

Without being too specific, I can say that I'm part of a group that is undergoing some conflict.  And when I saw this happen, I decided that the thing that made sense was to lower some of the tension by holding an informal social gathering.  My naive assumption was that a relaxed gathering might provide a "safe space" where relationships could be strengthened and renewed and tensions could be lessened.  Boy was I off base.

So what happened?   It went kerplooey.  Some people felt the meeting was inappropriate and said so.  Others heard that opinion and got angry.   People began talking smack about each other behind their backs.  Uninvolved parties got dragged into the fray.  What a mess! 

And so there I sat, realizing that I had been trying to make a positive difference, and ultimately I just created an environment where things got worse.  I tell you, it's got me thinking.  What did I do wrong?  How did things get so messy?

What I should have done differently:

1) I did some informal polling on whether or not I should have a get-together, but I didn't ask everyone.  In retrospect, I should have been more intentional about getting other opinions before moving forward.  I might have been able to avoid this mess by seeing the warning signs.

2) I assumed that people would respond rationally and calmly to an invitation to meet.  I should have known that when feelings run deep, responses can be rooted in emotion.

3) I have a job where I help people talk about group dynamics and get all that unhealthy junk out in the open and deal with it.  I shouldn't assume that every group I belong to is ready to take those kinds of steps.  People are not always ready to work things out just because I think they should.  My timeline isn't their timeline.

4) Sometimes no intervention is needed.  Sometimes it may be best to let a group disperse tension by finding it's own equilibrium over time.  My effort to balance the scales may have inadvertently disturbed that equilibrium.

The things I struggle with:

I have a very hard time letting things fester.   When I see something that seems off balance, I honestly can't rest easy until I do something to try and even the playing field.  So perhaps I need some reminders that not every situation is one I have permission to fix, or that I don't always get to be the judge of what an even playing field looks like.

I really struggle when people prefer to ignore conflict.  Any inkling of "Let's pretend things are normal" drives me absolutely batty.  Often in a conflict situation everyone "plays nice" in the big group but engages in plenty of side conversations with people they feel an alliance to.  I recognize that this may be human nature, but I can't stand it.  I hate being a party to what feels like underhanded behavior and lies.  It feels better to me to lay it all out on the table, deal with it, and move on one way or the other.  But I suppose I can't expect others to feel the same.

In conclusion:

Sometimes you have permission to address conflict, and sometimes you don't.  If you're not sure if that "social contract" is in place to allow you to take action, it may make sense to spend some time in deep listening with the participants before you try to do anything at all.  Once you've opened Pandora's box, the party may be over.

So that's my post for today Enlightened leaders.  I hope that your day is great, conflict free, and that reading about my goof might spare you some of the same in the future.  It's always nice to learn from your own mistakes, but even better to learn from the mistakes of others!   :)

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome.

Six Steps for Building New Habits

Leaders! Today I encourage you to think about your habits.  We all have them.  Some of them serve us well, such as a habit of exercise.   Some of them harm us, such as a habit of putting ourselves down.  "Habits are hard to break" or so the saying goes.  So let's talk about how habits are formed or broken.

I have a simple theory.  We do the things we want to do.   We avoid the things we don't want to do.   "I want to" or "I choose to" is a much more powerful phrase than "I should" for precisely this reason.  Sometimes adopting a new habit is convincing yourself that you really *want* to do this new thing every morning or every day.  You can operate against your wants, but it can be exhausting to do so.

Whenever I hear my husband talking about something he "should" do, often with an expression of distaste, I tell him to stop "shoulding" all over himself.  A bit crass, but it does usually get a smile.   And I try to give myself that same advice, although I'm far from perfect.  "Should" is a whiny word - one that says you are operating outside your own will.  So take back your will, and either choose or don't choose.  Put yourself back in control of the situation!

But even with choice, building habits can take some doing.  Here are some strategies that help.

1) Convince yourself first.  Is this new habit or skill important to you?  If not, you probably lack the will to make it real.  Think about it, and get clear with yourself.

2) Tell a friend or ally.  Once you've made the commitment to another person, it becomes more real.  Find a confidant who will cheer you on, or who is working on similar goals. 

3) Educate yourself.  Committing to being a good listener is a great thing, but then you must build in some time to learn about listening.  Read articles.  Quiz the good listeners you know.  Get some information to support your choice.

4) Plan for Practice.  View your new habit as a muscle to be strengthened.  Schedule time for it.  In the example above, you might commit to spending 15 minutes per week practicing your listening skills.  Don't overdo it, short practice sessions work best.

5) Make it Fun!  If you can approach your new habit with a sense of playfulness or exploration, it can be a joy instead of a chore.  Choose practice activities that you look forward to.  For example, I enjoy practicing communication techniques on people who bug me.  They can only benefit from my efforts, and I enjoy a good natured chuckle at seeing them as guinea pigs for my "practice sessions." 

6) Track both Successes and Failures.  Your experiments and failures will become a rich source of learning and reinforcement.  Be patient with yourself, but keep at it.  Expecting perfection will only hamper your success.  But do keep notes on what works and what doesn't.  The actual notes may not be useful to you, but the discipline of writing them will reinforce your learning.

Six steps for building new habits.  Try them out, and I'd love to hear how it's working for you.  And remember, the best way to break an old habit is to develop a new one in it's place.

Speaking of habits, if you're building your leadership skills, here is a new resource for you:

It hasn't escaped me that there are some emerging leaders out there who want to grow their skills, but who don't have access to a coach or mentor.   If you fit into that category, and you're looking for a simple way to help you increase your leadership skills, I hope you'll check out my Leadership Workout program.  Click here for details and a sample. 

You'll get a weekly skill-building leadership workout with activities designed to help you improve your organization while you gain skills.  Tip: This is a great resource for self-directed, motivated learners looking for a well-rounded leadership development program.  It is *not* an adequate program for people with specific development needs, or people who require more in depth assistance.  Choose wisely!