Challenges are good because they help us grow.
I'm here at my desk taking ten deep breaths, and reminding myself that the above statement is true. Yes challenges are good. Yes they help me grow. And yes, they can sometimes suck.
And by sometimes, I mean right now.
The Enemy of Resentment is Truthfulness
I have this habit you see. I say "yes" to things that I want to say "no" to, because I think that saying "no" is impolite. Or perhaps I worry about harming the relationship. Or perhaps I feel I owe the person a "yes." I have millions of excuses for subverting my own needs.
When I'm not honest with myself and others, it is easy for resentment to set in. I said yes when I meant no, and therefore I am taking every step with "no" written on my heart. It is fully and entirely my fault.
Speaking the Truth isn't Easy Either
My experiments in saying "no" have been interesting and painful. Interesting because I've noticed that people are not used to hearing that answer from me. Painful because it is still difficult for me to stand my ground, even when it's right.
Example One: Stranger emails me to ask if I can look through my archives and send her material for a presentation she is making. I decline. She persists, asking me for information anyway. I get ticked off. I'm not your assistant, lady.
Example Two: I offer a very hefty discount for a nonprofit consulting project, because a friend is involved. They ask for more discounts and I decline. I'm reminded that this project would be good exposure for me. I still decline to cut rates further, and I feel like the world's biggest jerk.
Dropping the Emotional Anvil
Over time, I'll become more comfortable saying no, and it won't carry as much emotional weight. When people push back on me, I won't feel so graceless when I respond.
In the short term though, it's a bit of a struggle. When I screw up my courage to say no to someone, and they keep pushing back on me, I start to feel upset.
What the heck! Why are you trying to twist my arm? It's hard for me to say no, and I don't do it lightly. Stop trying to manipulate me! You're making me feel bad!
I Know Better
That reaction is foolish of course. No one can "make me" feel bad. Push and pull is part of any negotiation. It's all part of the art of communication.
Yup, there are no villians in this story. Just little ole me, trying to practice the gentle art of saying no, when no is truly the answer.
Challenges are good because they help us grow.
Yeah. This is a challenge. It sucks at the moment. But I'm getting there.
Cheri Baker is an Organizational Development Consultant in Seattle. She is not going to do your research for you, give you her training content for free, let you put a whole room full of people in a webinar for the price of one person, offer half price consulting in exchange for "exposure", or be your doormat. Someday, she'll stop feeling bad about saying no.
As Patricia Fripp famously noted, "The answer is always 'no,' if you don't ask." Many people therefore ask, expecting to get rejected, and may actually be somewhat startled by your 'yes.' Consequently, it might be an interesting experiment in your journey to 'no' to ask the requester, "Would you say yes? If so, why?"
Doormats don't talk, so expect some folks to run away hurriedly when you ask this. But that's OK - many of them will be the people that doormats only hear from when their shoes are muddy. You won't miss them, hardly.
Posted by: Dave Gordon | January 19, 2013 at 08:17 PM
You know, I actually had that question flit across my mind a few times.
Next time I'll give it a try. :)
Posted by: Cheri | January 21, 2013 at 01:43 AM